Unicorn History Is Super-Weird And Thirsty

When you think of unicorns, your brain might jump to small children, not past their unicorn phase -- drenched in glitter, playing with My Little Ponies, believing in a world too virtuous to be true. 

Don't ruin it for them. Delay telling them the details of lust and ferocity that started the unicorn myths. 

The unicorn isn't like other mythical creatures. Across most cultures, the horse with a horn is a kind, sensible being that does not wish to be seen but is historically sought after by idiots. Unlike the slippery-looking basilisk or the colossal kraken, both known for being giant dicks, what has made the unicorn so enchanting is its benevolence.

In medieval European folklore, it is said that hunters in the woods once came across a dazzling white unicorn grazing before them and, without hesitation, attempted and failed to capture it. Soon after, the unicorn found a maiden lying by a tree, who comforts it, patting the unicorn's horn and mane. Little does the mythic creature know that this is a trap and is taken away by the hunters. The maiden is left disheartened but sees the unicorn later that night -- a glimmer of white galloping forward in a flash. She does absolutely nothing about it, and that's how that ends. 

Side note: In ancient Chinese tales, unicorn are known as qilin and described as having a deer-like form with dragon scales and a horn shooting out of its head, with symbols of magic written on its body.

Where things turn magically disturbing is on the Christian side of the myth. As told by the "virgin-capture legend," only a virgin was believed able to capture a unicorn. (Oh, shit; we just got the name.) How was this done? By trying her to a tree, unclothed, hoping to lure in the gentle being. According to JSTOR Daily, "Here, either due to its arousal by the maiden or its purity matching hers, the unicorn could be subdued and then captured." And to add to the already-existing hornt up undertones of that sentence, "In some myths, the unicorn sucks on the virgin's breasts and falls asleep with what Roberts euphemistically terms "his horn in a very symbolic position."

Furthermore, this fantastical beast is known as a symbol of Christ himself in brony form. In Christianity, the unicorn carries a meaning of cleanliness, its horn being used to purify poisoned water so that animals may safely drink. In essence, "a reference to the story of Christ's sacrifice to cleanse the sins of mankind." Also, some early unicorn art, like the renowned Hunt of the Unicorn tapestries created during the late middle ages, has suggested that there lie Jesus-y things.  

In reference to the symbolism of trees apparent in much of the series: "reading the trees as evoking both the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil (in the Garden of Eden) and the more universal Tree of Life seen in mythology and folklore across a variety of cultures." Jesus was also known to have been held captive and then resurrected, and quite frankly, this magical creature looks as if it may be about to experience that itself:

For more of Oona’s sarcasm and attempted wit, visit her website oonaoffthecuff.com.

Top Image: Domenichino