They say celebrities are just like us, but that couldn't be further from the truth. They'll be the first on the shuttle to Mars when Earth finally dies, have access to all the best Illuminati parties, and get to have sex with, on, and around other famous people. Like us, though, they've all gotten weird from time to time. Like when ...

Paul McCartney and John Lennon Liked to Get Together For a Good Jerk Circle

The men who comprised the Beatles had maybe the most documented love lives of the 20th century, so it seems unlikely the currently surviving half would have any stories to tell that you haven't heard before, but in 2018, one GQ writer got extremely lucky when he sat down with Paul McCartney. That's lucky for any entertainment journalist, but especially when you happen to be the one recording when he decides to open up about masturbating with John Lennon.

Apparently, one time, "over at John's house" with "maybe three of Lennon's friends," everyone was sitting around in the dark for some reason "instead of just getting roaring drunk and partying." It sounds pretty boring, and apparently, it was, because "somebody" got their dick out and started cranking it. (Smart money's on Clapton.)

Under most circumstances, this would result in the immediate disbanding of the non-party, but for reasons McCartney doesn't even attempt to explain, everyone else just kind of shrugged their shoulders and said, "Okay, I guess this is what we're doing." Once everybody really got going, it became a sort of game where they took turns shouting the names of sexy women (McCartney gives the example of "Brigitte Bardot!") to the appreciative cheers and mounting groans of their definitely completely heterosexual friends, although one time, Lennon offered "Winston Churchill!" Hey, what's a little joke between wankmates?

BiblioArchives / LibraryArchives

"We shall go on to the end. We shall wank in France, we shall wank on the seas and oceans, we shall wank with growing confidence and growing strength in the air--"

How often did this happen? "I think it was a one-off, or maybe a two-off," McCartney said, which means it happened at least a dozen times. He seemed kind of surprised that anyone was so surprised: "It was just the kind of thing you didn't think much of ... There's so many things like that from when you're a kid that you look back on and you're, 'Did we do that?'" And he's got a point. When you think about it, knocking over mailboxes and playing ding-dong-ditch is exactly like group masturbation.

Ernest Hemingway's Sexts Were ... Something

It's truly a shame we never got to see how the great men of letters would have maneuvered them in the digital age; you know Oscar Wilde would be a champion tweeter. It would be even more amazing to see how they would inevitably slide into your DMs. Instead, they practiced the lost art of the love letter, but those typically carried less of a sense of urgency because they'd take days to arrive, and who knows what your dick would be doing by then?

But that doesn't mean they never got textually down, and we're proud to report that no less a luminary than Ernest Hemingway fell back on the same stupid "rear" puns that you've seen from 1,000 randos on Tinder. He had a decades-long relationship with actress Marlene Dietrich that was carried out mostly by letter, so we have volumes upon volumes of ol' Ernie putting on his robe and wizard hat, but one 1955 missive particularly sticks out. Hemingway was so horny that even the most mundane shop talk -- Dietrich was apparently unhappy with her Las Vegas stage show -- could unleash the bearded and heavily armed beast.

Lloyd Arnold

“The real saddest story is ‘For Sale: DM slides. Never answered.’”

"If I were staging," he wrote, "it would probably have something novel like having you shot onto the stage, drunk, from a self-propelled minnenwerfer which would advance in from the street rolling over the customers. We would be playing 'Land of Hope and Glory.' As you landed on the stage, drunk and naked, I would advance from the rear, or from your rear, wearing evening clothes and would hurriedly strip off my evening clothes to cover you, revealing the physique of Burt Lancaster Strongfort and announce that we were sorry that we did not know the lady was loaded." Then there's something about the "aborton scene from Lakme" and a "giant rubber whale called Captain Ahab." It's hard to tell if this is his attempt at slapstick comedy or if he really thought drunken exhibitionism and putting the "dick" in Moby Dick actually sounded like a good, sexy time.

It's possible Hemingway wasn't in his clearest headspace when he wrote the letter -- that, or he was a meandering, nonsensical imposter the whole time. Later, after joking that neither of them "has enough whore blood" to "get mixed up in any business," whatever that means, he insists that "Not but what I number many splendid whores amongst my best friends and certainly never, I hope, could be accused of anti-whoreism. Not only that but I was circumcised at a very early age." So. Maybe let's not be too hard on poor, drunk Hemingway.

Everyone in Star Wars Was Hooking Up

You probably know that Carrie Fisher revealed in her 2016 memoir The Princess Diarist that she and Harrison Ford had an affair on the set of Star Wars in the '70s. Newborn babies, deep-sea creatures whose forms we can't even begin to fathom, and actual aliens from distant galaxies know it. Unfortunately, it wasn't as hot as you might hope: It started when she was barely conscious, ended after three months, and he treated both her and her vagina pretty badly the entire time.

What she never divulged, and what didn't come out until after her tragic death shortly after the book's publication, is that she also hooked up with her other co-star. No, not Chewie, although he is arguably the handsomest of the bunch. 

Lucasfilm

And can use a good kiss.

According to Mark Hamill, he and Fisher had an undeniable spark, and though he "knew from previous jobs that it would have been a bad idea" for them to get involved, they "found pretexts" to be "all over each other." One time, "we were talking about kissing techniques [and] I said: 'Well, I think I'm a fairly good kisser. I like to let the women come to me rather than be aggressive.' And she said: 'What do you mean?' Well, next thing you know, we're making out like teenagers ... but the one thing that drew Carrie and me back from the precipice was we kind of became aware of what we were doing and just burst out laughing. Which was unfortunate for me because the rocket launch sequence had been initiated."

It's not clear how far it went -- rockets can launch to all kinds of places, you know? -- or when it happened, but Hamill seems to suggest that he got there before Ford, admitting that if he'd known about their affair while it was happening, "it probably really would have affected me." Leave it to Luke Skywalker to be all up in his feelings while Han Solo gets all up in everything else.

Paul Newman, James Dean, and Eartha Kitt Had a Threeway

Eartha Kitt walked so Rihanna could run. Whether she was slinking around as one of the original Catwomen or singing about wanting to bang Santa, she was unapologetically sexual, and in her personal life, she was chased by everyone from business tycoons to young up-and-comers, like James Dean before he quickly became a down-and-goer. In the early '50s, they bonded over their "country folk" roots, struggling to make it in New York City, and apparently Paul Newman.

Dean and Newman likely met at the Actors' Studio, where they were both studying around 1951, and one night, they somehow ended up at Kitt's dance studio, where they displayed a frankly shameful disinterest in the art of dance. 

"That time back in my dance studio ranks as one of the most celestial experiences of my life," she later recalled. "Those two beauties transported me to heaven. I never knew that lovemaking could be so beautiful." Back then, that was basically like being the meat in a DiCaprio-Pitt sandwich, so she likely meant "stupid pretty" in addition to "emotionally fulfilling."

And bless her soul, Eartha Kitt rarely stopped scandalizing. In 2019, Jackée Harry of '90s sitcom fame revealed that "Eartha Kitt slapped the f%#! outta me! She thought I was sleeping with her boyfriend... which I was, but I didn't know he was taken." It was only colon cancer in 2008 that finally stopped her from taking everyone's men, holiday deities, and whatever else she wanted.

Top image: United Press International/Wikimedia Commons

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