Inside The Weird Secret Summer Camp Of The 1%

It must be exhausting, running the world from the shadowy corners of large conference rooms and gold-plated bunkers. These men and … more men deserve a break now and then. So when summer comes along, and robber baron school is out, the most powerful pud-tuggers in the world gather together for singalongs and talent nights among the redwoods of California.

Bohemian Grove is the old camp stomping ground for the richest and most powerful men in America. There, these giants can enjoy nature behind giant redwood trees, armed guards, and the code phrase "Weaving Spiders Come Not Here." That's just a True Detective way of saying: no "shop talk," a rule that hasn't been broken since World War II when everyone was gossiping about this exciting new business venture called the Manhattan Project. 

Aarkwilde, Wikimedia Commons
200,000 Japanese people died because someone had a good idea during a drum circle. 
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Most U.S. presidents, billionaires, and tycoons have spent at least a summer partaking in the rituals of this, the richest of rich kid camps across the lake. And when we say rituals, we mean it. Over decades, journalist infiltrators have gleaned some of the mad cult shit that goes on, which include all members wearing white robes and burning a coffin in front of a 40-foot idol of an owl. To honor nature, of course -- the very nature they've been trying to chop down for years.

 This, incidentally, was a ritual captured by none other than Infowars' Alex Jones, whose own conspiracy rantings sound like Pulitizer prize-winning journalism opposed to the creepy Algonquin chanting that goes on at the Grove.  

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In many ways, the Grove is like the Playboy Bunny Cave for Teddy Roosevelt simps -- and that includes the sexism. For decades, not a single woman was allowed to enter the camp, the men declaring it an infringement upon their freedoms. Particularly the ritualistic freedom of being allowed to pee anywhere and at any time they want. Modern courts disagreed that this was a fundamental human right and figured it was only fair that the club at least had to hire female employees -- because no 1%'er ever got into trouble whipping out his dick in front of a paid female subordinate, right?

By the by, that weird spider-themed slogan? That's a quote from Shakespeare, and it's not the only Shakespearian freakery that goes on. Comedic plays are often hosted at night, with all the female parts being played by these powerful men. This, and the constant wang flashing, has caused many powerful and even presidential detractors of the camp's shenanigans to accuse it of being a secret homosexual cult, with Richard Nixon openly declaring it to be (homophobia warning), "The most f***y goddamned thing you could ever imagine." 

But despite turning up his nose, the likes of Nixon, Bill Clinton, and Ronald Reagan have all attended this summer camp, which is still considered the last place where the richest and most powerful men can truly be themselves; a bunch of grabby frat boys who think the world is their entire playground. 

For more weird tangents, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

Top Image: Brianhama, Wikimedia Commons

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