Isolating Is Pointless If You Just Party On A Crowded Beach Afterwards

Some of you might be thinking that as parts of the country open up, despite our COVID cases continuing to rise at a steady pace, that now more than ever is the time to exercise caution. After all, Dr. Anthony Fauci has warned that in opening up the country, "there is a real risk that you will trigger an outbreak that you may not be able to control, which in fact, paradoxically will set you back." But to you, Dr. Fauci and to the weary minds that heed your advice, I ask if you've considered one thing: Do you know what it's like to party on the beach with a jeep?

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Because down here at the 'Go Topless Jeep Weekend' on Boliver peninsula, we party hard. In fact, thousands of us are. Just ask anyone in that clip above. Take that first woman for example. It might be hard to understand her because they've had a few sips of what sounds like Bud Light and horse tranquilizer (The Go Topless Jeep Weekend on Boliver peninsula special), but if you focus in you'll understand that "quarantine, and like, I need to get out." Hell yeah. We've got to let loose before the government calls for another shutdown, and considering we're going to make out with every open mouth we see, that shutdown will probably happen sooner rather than later.

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"But what about safety regulations?" Shut up, nerd. We wash our hands for 20 seconds before we smack some booty. Our Slip-n-Slide is hosed down in a solution that's 99% Purell (the purest of lls). There's a sign out front that says, "No coronavirus allowed. (Corona beer okay)" What more do you want from us? Law enforcement is there. Sure, they're not going to enforce social distancing, but they're going to keep us from "acting silly," and frankly, I had plans to get all silly up in this bish, so I think I've sacrificed enough. You're telling me that the sheriff in a previous interview says they've got a jail cell with a whole bunch of empty holes? I'll tell you something else that's got a whole bunch of empty holes, and it ain't just a patient's lungs after succumbing to coronavirus if you know what I mean!

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So, loosen up, Fauci-man, and maybe if you quit worrying about all those potentially hundreds of thousands of people who might die, you could stop on by the Go Topless Jeep Weekend on Boliver peninsula for some much-needed relaxation and Jeep-ing. America has become a parody of itself, you say? Whatever. We gravy, baby.

Support Dan on Twitter and he will talk about his life with you in lieu of getting a therapist. He also hosts The Bachelor Zone Podcast, where you can hear him give a sports-style breakdown of all things happening on The Bachelor.


Top Image: Wendi Wei/Pexels

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