Cracked Investigates: Is The Thing Circumcised?

Ah, who among us doesn't relish in opening a new comic-book for the first time? You all know what I'm talking about. The scent of a fresh cover, the sound as you flip through the pages, the taste as you lick the Marvel logo over and over again. And, of course, there's the thought we all have upon immediately reading the first panel: "I wonder if that guy is circumcised?"

It's certainly the first thought I have, and it's why I've decided to investigate whether The Fantastic Four's Ben Grimm is circumcised. Why Ben Grimm? He's the Thing! It's the Thing's thing! Who else would I choose? But here's the thing about the Thing's Thing. It's not enough for me to determine whether Ben Grimm is circumcised in human form. We know he is because he's officially stated as being Jewish in Fantastic Four vol. 3, #56 (after years of vague nods). What we want to know is if Ben Grimm is circumcised in Thing form, and after much research, I have concluded that da da da daaaa ... it depends on your definition of circumcised! Let me explain.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Again we start with the basic premise that Ben Grimm received a bris eight days after birth as part of Jewish custom. So it could stand to reason that when in adulthood he transformed into the Thing, his penis (which Stan Lee confirmed he does have) would also remain circumcised. But again, that depends on your definition of what a circumcised penis is. If it's a penis without a foreskin, then I would argue that yes, Ben Grimm is circumcised.

You see, the concern here is that Ben Grimm's transformation into The Thing would cause his foreskin to regenerate. Sometimes when The Thing is injured the rocks on his skin "chip" and we later see them grow back fully formed. However, deeper wounds, such as the time Wolverine made the Thing bleed as seen in Fantastic Four vol. 1, #374, are not shown to be regenerative. The Adamantium claws left scaring and were only later healed by Hyperstorm.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

So case closed right? Well, not exactly. If you define a circumcised penis as one that has all the trappings of a circumcised penis, i.e. a mushroom-shaped head and delineation between the head and the shaft, then I'd argue Ben Grimm isn't circumcised. When Ben transformed, he lost a lot of definition in his features - He has no ears or even earholes. He lost a finger on either hand. He lacks discernable definition between his head and neck -- We doubt that his rock penis would have a tiny ring of pebbles to outline a circumcised head.

We're sure if The Thing or his wife, Alicia, are truly worried about aesthetics that they can ask Wolverine to chisel in a little detail. Whatever your definition of circumcision, we do know that one thing is certain. The Thing definitely yells, "It's clobbering time!" when he cums.

Dan is on Twitter and will talk about life with you in lieu of getting a therapist and he also hosts The Bachelor Zone Podcast, where you can hear him give a sports-style breakdown of all things happening on The Bachelor.


Top Image: Marvel

To turn on reply notifications, click here

32 Comments

Load Comments