Like Us, Celebs Are Losing It, Because Everything Sucks Right Now

Never has the facade of celebrity been more apparent than right now, during this, the third (fourth?) month (week? year?) of the coronavirus pandemic. Turns out that being beautiful and rich and good at playing make-believe isn't really a top priority for people gripping tenuously to their own sanity while being reduced to using non-name-brand notebook paper to wipe their buttholes.

And no one seems more aware of this than the celebrities themselves.

While some of the entertainment elite, like most of the late-night hosts -- and the now eternally panstless John Krasinski, who just decided to become a late-night host -- are still working, and others are spreading messages about hygiene and hanging in there, or fundraising, or helping people stay sober, some other members of the rich and famous are losing their goddamn minds on social media instead.

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Guess which ones we're going to talk about today?

First up, Dame Judi Dench, perhaps best known for being Dame Judi Dench, keeps borrowing family members' social media accounts for the purposes of being adorable. In addition to a few seconds of her dancing with her grandson on TikTok ...

... she's also made a hand-washing video with a friend of hers, and then just kinda puttered around her garden in a plush dog hat telling us to keep laughing.

Which, secretly, is what we all assumed she did anyway, right?

Everyone's favorite Witcher, Henry Cavill, also seems to be handling things pretty well, spending most of his free time in the kitchen -- although he is worryingly appending the word "isolation" to everything he bakes.

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Sometimes he switches it up and says it in Italian, too!

But here's my question: what qualifies it as isolation flavored, Henry? Just being in France doesn't automatically qualify something as being French bread. You can still make sourdough in France. Have you discovered a way to bake in the fear and existential dread of our current times?

Anyway, he's also playing "isolation hide and seek" with his dog in what looks to be an abandoned sadness factory straight out of George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four.

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Without further information, one would have to assume that isolation hide-and-seek is like regular hide-and-seek, but with more isolation bread and more time to hide in a corner and cry while your dog's out chasing squirrels. Wait -- is that the secret ingredient, Henry? Is it tears?

A lot of famous people have, like so many of us normals, turned to music as a salve for our troubled hearts. For instance, Sir Anthony Hopkins has taken to playing piano. Sure, it's for his demanding cat, but whatever:

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Kate Nash, meanwhile, rocked out to Metallica's "Enter Sandman" on a recorder:

So if isolation wasn't quite terrible enough for you yet, here's someone playing a recorder.

And then there's Madonna. Let's be honest, the Material Girl is not handling things so well. In between readings of her increasingly insane "quarantine diaries," written on a typewriter in a dark, candlelit room and better qualified as the nihilistic, stream-of-conscious ramblings of a 16th-century goth teenager trying to invent slam poetry ...

Make sure to hang on until 0:35 to hear her use the word "Highfalutin" in 100% seriousness.

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... she's also decided to cover her own songs. In her bathroom. Only she's occasionally switching out some words to be about fish?

Don't worry: "Weird" Al already knows, and he's decided he has nothing to be concerned about.

Of course, Madonna's not the only singer losing her shit in isolation. Broadway legend and Pushing Daisies alum Kristin Chenoweth is running around in a Winnie the Pooh onesie hitting opera notes for no reason ...

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... using her fingernails as castanets and trying to win over Dolly Parton with her baked goods ...

... and talking about cinnamon rolls in a way that, quite frankly, raises some questions.

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If you have any unsecured crystal wine glasses around, maybe move them to safety before the end of this clip.

Several other celebrities have also discovered their inner homemaker, to varying degrees of success. Bob Saget, for one, is revisiting the glory days of Full House by compulsively cleaning his own home ...

... while Sam Neill is "laundering" his shoes, discovering both his lack of imagination when it comes to styles of footwear and also possibly a fetish for sniffing them? Maybe. He's fine, though, totally fine.

Hey, dull is still better than crazy. Sam Neill is dominating this list today..

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Speaking of totally fine, Julianne Moore misses movies so much that she's starring in her own dramatic reenactment of cleaning the world's least dirty stock pot ...

... and, uh, vacuuming her yard?

Certainly puts Bob Saget's thing into perspective.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm sure, Seth Rogen got stoned off his ass and, willingly, live-tweeted Cats -- the version without the buttholes, it would appear -- and I'm honestly not sure how to interpret that as anything other than the ultimate cry for help.

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That might sound like an overreaction, but his tweets tell a different story. Playful questions about "What's a Jellicle?" rapidly devolve into angry interrogations of just why and how this movie even got made, before he finally just gives up, less than an hour in. This was clearly not a joyful experience. Seth Rogen stared into the abyss, and the abyss started playing him a surrealist nightmare of a film about anthropomorphic cats and death, one that not even copious amounts of drugs could fix.

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Anyway, on the subject of people doing things they regret, Pink got drunk and cut her own hair:

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Also, apparently Kylie Jenner pulled a Pinocchio and turned into a regular person?

I mean, look, she's still being stalked by paparazzi, and Buzzfeed (and, uh, us, I guess) are still reporting on her very existence like it's a cure for cancer, so maybe she's not that regular -- but she is rocking sweatpants and clutching that bag of salt and vinegar chips for dear life like one of us.

And then ... honestly, there's no segue in the world that can prepare you for this next thing, so here's Cardi B headbutting a Jenga tower and immediately regretting it:

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Like watching a toddler discover that the stove is hot.

Also, she talked to Bernie Sanders. Like, seriously and thoughtfully, for half an hour.

But then she talked about how talking to Bernie Sanders has made her the target of a vast conspiracy of technical difficulties.

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Cardi B contains multitudes, is I guess what I'm saying here.

Which brings us, finally, to Jose Canseco. He recently made the internet rounds for asking about the well-being of his friend Bigfoot and, more generally, aliens, during this pandemic:

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Ha! What a crazy person! Bigfoot's not real!

(Confidential to Mr. Canseco: I'm kidding, sir. Of course Bigfoot's real and I understand that you're genuinely worried about your friend and just trying to be scientifically thorough. I get it. So, please, allow me to ease your mind: so far, as far as non-humans go, it's mostly been cats that have come down with the novel coronavirus. The caretakers of great apes are certainly worried -- as are you and I -- that, as apes are so genetically similar to humans, they too are probably at risk, but, as of this writing, no apes have come down with the virus. Largely because their caretakers are keeping human people, and our resultant risk of contagion, away from the apes. And, Mr. Canseco, keeping away from humans is kind of Bigfoot's thing. [Present company excluded, of course.] Aliens, meanwhile, also generally keep their distance, and are probably so biologically different from humans and cats that they'll be fine. So, there you go. I hope that helps. Keep washing your hands, and give Bigfoot my best.)

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Haha! Crazy! So, anyway, in conclusion, celebrities might have more money than most of the rest of us, and better homes, and better access to COVID-19 testing, and a lot of other unfair advantages, but sometimes they get bored and do stupid things, too, and then post those things to the internet because they're starved for literally any kind of human contact. So, y'know, samesies. Good luck, be safe, and happy quarantining!

Eirik Gumeny is fine, totally fine. His newest book, the hilariously named and unfortunately timed The End of Everything Forever, is available now. He's also on Twitter, where he is absolutely willing to talk more about Bigfoot if you want, Jose.

Top image: Denis Makarenko/Shutterstock

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