Venture beyond the wall of your safe YouTube recommendations, and you might end up in a place natives only refer to as Weird YouTube. It's a vast, dank jungle where the limits of the mind are tested against indecipherable memes, Lovecraftian home videos, and possums. Lots and lots of possums.
Since its conception in 2010, MEpearlA has become, without hyperbole, the greatest YouTube channel in existence. Its videos feature woman who looks and acts like she once toured the Orient in a sleeper car with the Poughkeepsie Shakespeare Company, who advises you how to take care of possums. These videos cover topics such as washing possums, grooming possums, and performing the kiss of life on possums. All of this is demonstrated on ME Pearl's range of rescued possums (many of which aren't actually possums), who are surprisingly docile even when a middle-aged woman uses them as fitness weights.
Aside from the YouTube channel, ME Pearl also hosts a green website that'll make you nostalgic for Geocities, which has possum FAQs, offers possum psychic services, and publishes possum poetry. Is that poetry about possums or by possums? Yes, it is. Here's my favorite:
Apple Sauce and dirt
I like my foot
Dark Blankie Sleep
But Pearl is so much more than a possum whisperer, or even a possum-themed lifestyle coach. She isn't even human. If you made the foolishly rational assumption that the grand dame of roadkill who presents the channel is Pearl, you'd be mistaken. ME Pearl's website claims that she's called Georgette Spelvin, a fake name, and is merely the vessel for the true Pearl -- a dead squirrel that achieved enlightenment and has since become the center of a druidic religion. This religion, split into "angel squirrels" and "demon squirrels," spreads the news that squirrels secretly control the Universe, which is still more plausible than Scientology.
Most wayward folks who come across ME Pearl wonder how much of the act is ironic. The answer is obviously all of it and none of it. Sure, it takes no great detective to figure out Madam Spelvin is brilliantly employing her theatrical background and intense great aunt energy to take up the cause of this much-maligned marsupial. But then again, you can't fake putting a beret on a possum and making him play beatnik bongos. That comes from somewhere deep inside.
For more weird tangents and tips on how to feign death to ward off predators do follow Cedric on Twitter.
For more, check out Even Elton John Hated The New 'Lion King' and Disney Sure Is Proud Of All The Crazy Sh*t They've Made.
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