Look, we get it. It's Monday, the Monday of weekdays. You've barely had two cups of coffee, the halcyon memories of a fun weekend are still in your head, and you're already weary at the thought of dealing with Janet from HR's constant memos. All you want to do is have a quiet, normal day with as little human buffoonery as possible. We want that for you too. Really, we do.
But listen. Listen.
Justin Bieber wants to have a cage match with Tom Cruise.
After a signal boost of his collaboration with Ed Sheeran didn't do the numbers, Bieber posted late last night that he was officially challenging aging actor Tom Cruise to a mixed martial arts fight. This somehow led to Conor McGregor offering to host the fight and do an undercard against Marky Mark Walberg. The internet, ever astute, quickly pointed out that a fight between an action star and a Canadian boy whose tattoos weigh more than he does would be over very fast and with a lot of maple-syrup-sweet blood on the floor, and ... goodness, this all so tiresome and completely fake. So instead, let's talk about why this is never going to happen and the real, not-that-obvious reason for that: insurance.
Often, millions of dollars depend on whether or not a celebrity is present, healthy, and (preferably) sober on any given day. So to counter the fact that most celebs are cocaine puffs, crazy companies will insure them to cover any potential losses. When dealing with a "problem actor" (like, say, someone willing to break their fists on a former child pop star's face), that insurance premium can quickly reach up to a million dollars. Break too many bones or do too many rehabs, and stars can become uninsurable, meaning nobody will want to work with them (just ask Lindsay Lohan).
So maybe, given that he's not planning on touring or performing anytime soon, Bieber felt very safe to throw this fake challenge to Tom Cruise, who's currently filming the big-budget Top Gun sequel and spends so much of his life on film sets that he's been accidentally loaded into a prop truck several times. BUT Cruise is literally the only star in the world bigger than the insurance industry. He has cost studios millions of dollars doing his stunts, and nobody says a peep. So yeah, actually, there is the slightest, eensiest-weensiest chance that Tom Cruise might just beat up Justin Bieber. Huh, that pepped us up more than the coffee.
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For more, check out Gwyneth Paltrow Launches Goop For Men, Yikes and Does A Magic 8-Ball Movie Sound Watchable? (Ask Again).
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