8 Actors Who Do The Same Exact Thing On Every Movie Poster
Movie posters are tricky -- sometimes they're really cool pieces of art, and other times they're just a bunch of giant heads with some words on them. Sometimes it's even possible to predict exactly how a poster's going to look based on who's starring in the movie, because, as we've mentioned before, some actors tend to do the same, eerily specific thing for every piece of promotional material they appear in, whether it be because of some irrational fear, bizarre superstition, very specific form of vanity, or other reason only they know. For instance ...
Ryan Gosling Keeps Hiding His Left Cheek
Everyone has something they are self-conscious about, and for Ryan Gosling that thing seems to be his left cheek. For a man who famously possesses the ability to overclock human ovaries, it's a bit weird that he'd be so ashamed of showing us parts of his face.
Turns out Gosling's secretly far right.
What does he have under there? Acne? A weird birthmark? A map tattoo leading to buried pirate treasure? Whatever horrible secret is burned into his profile, Gosling is determined to hide it by any means necessary, from strategic vanity poses ...
Someone tried to pass him on the left once. Once.
... to more elaborate maneuvers, like covering half of his face with George Clooney.
The poster was quickly recalled after every woman that saw it instantly became pregnant.
On posters for Blue Valentine and The Notebook, he seized Michelle Williams and Rachel McAdams and strategically attempted to swallow their faces, merely to create a plausible excuse for keeping his left cheek shrouded in mystery.
"Yes, that was the only reason."
Based on this overwhelming evidence, we are left to conclude that Ryan Gosling, in a last-minute act of panicked desperation, caved in the left side of his face on the poster for Only God Forgives:
He is now seated by the right face of the Father. Amen.
Meryl Streep Needs Something Touching Her Chin
Meryl Streep is widely considered to be one of the greatest actresses in history, which is a crown that apparently sits so heavily that she has difficulty keeping her head up. Consequently, in many of her posters, Streep needs to keep her skull supported or risk toppling over like an elegant beanstalk.
Coming next summer, Big Skull, Big Heart: One Woman's Struggle With Bobblehead Syndrome.
This oddly specific trend can be traced as far back as 1979's The Seduction Of Joe Tynan, in which a weary Meryl rests her face on a phone while fending off Alan Alda's advances.
Alda is like a tornado -- you just have to ride it out and eventually he goes away.
As the years went by, Meryl Streep's condition seems to have improved, although she still occasionally keeps a ready hand at her chin, as if she expects her melon to swing pendulously down at any moment.
Either that, or she's been dealing with one bitch of a toothache for the last few decades.
We Never See The Top Of Tom Hanks' Head
Maybe we owe Ryan Gosling an apology about the cheek thing. After all, despite having lived in the public eye for four solid decades, Tom Hanks always hides the top of his head like it's some shameful deformity. Or, at least, his movie posters do -- over the years, he has actually developed many creative ways of keeping his dome crest out of view.
One tried-and-true method is to get as close to the photographer as humanly possible without breaking any laws:
We're all aware of the famous Leibovitz-Hanks restraining order.
While another classic Hanks "skull concealing" strategy involves the cunning use of hats:
In the future, all hats are known as "Tom Hanks noggin stockings."
And while we're speculating about such things, let's ask ourselves why ...
Jamie Foxx Doesn't Want To Show Us His Eyes
Looking into someone's eyes can tell you a lot about them. So you have to wonder what, exactly, Jamie Foxx is trying to hide, because he shields his peepers like Scott fucking Summers. Admittedly, sometimes he has a legitimate excuse to hide them, like when he's wearing a pair of sunglasses to kill people in hot weather ...
Mirages are an assassin's worst fear.
... or when he's simply trying to remain historically accurate:
Well, "accurate" might not be the right word here ...
But when audiences are denied Jamie Foxx's unobstructed gaze on posters for a bunch of stupid romantic comedies ...
... and when sunglasses tend to turn "romantic" into "creepy" ...
... it kind of makes you wonder: What doesn't he want us to see behind the windows to his soul? Whatever it is, Jamie Foxx refuses to look his audience in the eyes, possibly because he still carries the shame of Booty Call deep within himself.
Will Ferrell's Hands Are Always On His Hips
We all know Will Ferrell as a goofball comedy star, but the man has actually played a wide range of characters over the years, including a buffoonish anchorman, a buffoonish elf, and even a buffoonish sentient fictional character. However, although the man may surprise us with his chameleon-like transformations, we can always count on one thing: His hands will be touching his waist.
"See? This movie is hip!" -Hollywood, probably.
It's a universally comedic pose, advertising that this film features a hilariously inept character who is nonetheless brimming with misguided confidence. Actually, now that we look at all of his posters together, it's clear that another requisite for a Ferrell promotional pose is to make a face as if he has just explosively shit his pants while trying to solve a word problem.
And he came up with this before co-starring with Napoleon Dynamite.
Regardless of whether he is being attacked by a dinosaur or parading around in animated form, nothing can stop Will Ferrell's arms from going akimbo.
"Thank god ... my cell is still in my pocket ... "
Katharine Hepburn Always Shows Her Upper Teeth -- And No One Else Does
Katherine "No relation to Audrey" Hepburn wasn't just one of the greatest actresses in history, she was also an independent, outspoken woman who hated Hollywood's celebrity-obsessed culture. What further set her apart from all other celebrities was the fact that she considered her teeth to be her best feature. Correction: her upper teeth, which she prominently displayed on every poster she could like a cartoon woodchuck:
As documented in her official brusher's scathing tell-all book, Incisor Insider.
We don't really have an explanation as to why Hepburn never smiled with all of her teeth. Maybe in those days bottom teeth were considered taboo. Or maybe she thought cameras were magic spell boxes operated by molar-stealing gremlins. Whatever the reason, she kept those things on lockdown.
Some say she turned the lower set into a tasteful necklace.
Or perhaps keeping just one set of chompers fresh and pearly white was hard enough back when everyone smoked and flossing was about as common as color televisions? Judging by the expressions of some of Hepburn's co-stars, the answer seems to be yes. See, that's the other thing about all of these examples -- it's not just that Hepburn is giving her patented toothy smile; it's that she seems to have it in her contract that no other teeth are allowed to upstage hers. Keep that shit closed, boys!
"You're almost over the line, Tracy! Watch your ass!"
Whoopi Goldberg Does Weird Things With Her Legs
Movies starring Whoopi Goldberg are like Kmarts. They exist, and there are still plenty of them out there, but most people don't remember actually seeing one since 1997. That's probably why Whoopi has gotten away for so long with doing weird things with her legs on all of her posters, like resting them on the title of the movie ...
Just thank God she wasn't in Basic Instinct.
... or threatening to shoot her own limbs:
The only guaranteed cure for restless-leg syndrome.
Occasionally, she'll get up and do some inexplicable exercises:
But, most of the time, Whoopi prefers to stand cross-legged, in the universal symbol of "I really need to pee out this jumbo margarita." Well, "stand" might be overstating it a little, because whenever she crosses her legs, she immediately has to lean on something to stop herself from falling to the floor, which seems to suggest that Whoopi Goldberg has an inner-ear disorder.
Other symptoms include Sister Act 2.
Ice Cube's Backgrounds Keep Getting Whiter And Whiter
In 1988, rapper Ice Cube exploded onto the global music scene with the release of Straight Outta Compton, an N.W.A. album filled to the brim with controversial and violent lyrics, most of which were written by Cube himself. Two and a half decades later, Ice Cube starred in three comedy films, including a 3-D animated musical. What happened to make this once-hard street poet lose his edge? You can literally chart Cube's evolution from gritty musician to family-friendly comic actor in his movie posters, which over the years have grown gradually more whitewashed.
Take the poster from his film debut, Boyz N The Hood:
"Film? Uh, y'all better go check on that dude I just shot ..."
After Boyz N The Hood blew up at the box office, Hollywood executives apparently decided that that was their key to success: putting Ice Cube in front of tangible, real-life backgrounds:
And sending someone to fart into his nose seconds before taking the picture,
to capture that signature Ice Cube look.
But, as the years went by, Cube's backgrounds became more and more abstract, until now they all fall into the category of "soulless eggshell." Even Ice Cube's trademark intimidating glare seems to have been toned down. Today, the only thing that look conveys is, "I'm exasperated with all these shenanigans."
"And where the hell is my hazelnut latte?!"
Follow Sam Jackson on Facebook and Twitter, and check out his friend's blog. Evan V. Symon is the interview Finder Guy for Cracked. If you have an awesome experience and want to see it as a Cracked article, hit us up at firstname.lastname@example.org. Carolyn probably almost never repeats herself on Twitter.
For more things you never noticed, check out 7 Actors Typecast in Bizarrely Specific Roles and 7 Recurring Movie Props You Won't Believe You Never Noticed.
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